Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sometimes It's Hard To Feel Bright

When I write this blog I try to always stay positive, strong, and focused on my blessings. This is usually a fairly natural thing to do because it's who I am. However, even the most positive people can lose sight of those things when situations are hard and emotions go askew.

The last few days have been incredibly hard for me. The wound in my abdomen (a fistula from my ileum) was starting to feel better and heal slowly, but then the pain came back strongly, the nastiness draining out of the wound increased, and signs of infection are appearing. Not to mention how hard this is on your body and how tired it makes you. The nurses at the clinic I've been going to every other day were concerned enough that they switched me to in-home visits and faxed details of the situation to my doctor.

This is horrifying. Gross and embarrassing. Needless to say that my emotions went sideways too, complete with tears, despair, and questioning my boyfriend's ok-ness with all this. It's incredibly hard to feel like someone could still love you and think you're beautiful when you have the bandage equivalent of a mini diaper on your abdomen and walking is a chore. With surgery still 2 months away I felt like making it that long was an impossible ordeal.

But a few things happened that brought the sun back out. The main thing being the right mix of loving encouragement and snap-out-of-it pep talks from BF. The man is amazing. He never wavers; even facing a teary eyed, exhausted, yucky-bandaged girl in jogging pants. He'll say I'm beautiful even when I'm hobbling around in PJs, hair askew from just being washed in the sink and bent over cradling my abdomen. *sniff* The support of loved ones is priceless.

In addition to that, I also had a disgusted with myself moment- had I forgotten all the positive things in my life? The people who have it so much worse? To drive the positive things home, I had an amazing time with friends on Saturday when we finally celebrated our Christmas. Turkey and the works plus a game of capture the flag with Nerf guns! I got to guard the base with a big gun- so that I could remain stationary instead of running up and down the stairs. So even when feeling terrible- you can still have fun and enjoy time with friends. Yeah- I needed that. And if you think a bunch of people in their late twenties running around a house with Nerf guns sounds silly - well you don't know what you're missing! *grin*

So things are rough, but I am working hard not to let myself stay down. A little bit of sadness and tears is healthy and normal, but it's vital not to let it overwhelm you. Get it out and then move on. Always remember that whatever suffering you're dealing with, it's just one thing in your life, it is not your whole life. There is always a bright side, sometimes you just have to search for it.


  1. Please know we're thinking of you!

    Also, can they push the surgery up a tad or do you need the full 2 months to prep?

  2. I don't think they can push it up. There are other people in front of me. We'll see.

  3. are the nurses going to continue to follow up with home visits until your surgery? because that would be an enormous bright side... almost as much so as the unfailing, ever-heroic bf :)

    truly hope this is not a lasting dip for you.

  4. Well, until the wound is closed or the surgery comes - though I hope it's not still like this for two months!!

    Nope - it's not lasting... just writing this blog post helped me get out of my funk. I'm feeling better today. :)

  5. Oh gosh I hope you feel better soon! I hope they can move your surgery up. Good luck! Also, the nerf things sounds hella cool!

  6. Brightside, you are continually MY brightside in all of this. Your neverending encouragement is such a blessing. We are all here for you and totally understand how you feel. Please don't forget that your lovableness (if that's a word?) is not what's on the outside or the messiness inside, but it comes from your soul, your heart. The thing that makes you Brightside. :) HUGS!!!!

  7. Aww Jenni, your message made me tear up! Thank you so much, that means a lot to me! :)