Thursday, September 18, 2008

This Ain't Going To Be Easy

I'm feeling a little blue today. My old friend, diarrhea has returned. Just a bit. Now that I'm down to only 5mg of Prednisone per day. I guess it was the Prednisone all along that was keeping my guts calm. It was easy to tell myself that things were getting better. That I don't need surgery. That a temporary dose of Prednisone and the 5-ASA I'm now on would be enough. To dream of being able to re-introduce foods. A part of me still hopes that I have a 'mild' case of Crohn's. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. It's "Fistulizing Crohn's" according to my doctor appointment yesterday. Hence my lovely perforation leading to abscess leading to surgery a month ago to drain said abscess. Anyway, those are some scary words, and the sneaky return of big D combined with a general malaise about wanting my life back has me feeling a little down in the dumps. I know what I'll do... I'll go vacuum my apartment and take solace in the fact that I actually feel well enough to vacuum. That's something at least.

Actually, I was feeling agitated about all this enough last night that I went to the weekly meditation group meeting that I haven't been to in almost a year. It was nice to be surrounded by calm, content people. The woman who gave the initial talk also had a good point that was relevant to my current issues. She discussed the need to be objective when viewing our thoughts and emotions. To be able to SEE ourselves feeling bad, observe that, realize that "Hey, I'm really down today", accept that, let ourselves be down, but then let the emotion or negative thoughts pass. Don't cling to them. Don't hold on and throw yourself a pity party. So yeah, I'm blue today.... but tomorrow I'll be 'bright' yet again. In fact, I'm feeling a little sunnier already. Where's that vacuum?


  1. Aw, I'm sorry the Big D has come back a bit. That is so discouraging and I know how it zaps your energy. I hope you'll be able to get lots of rest to recover from it.

    I just started a mindfulness meditation class two weeks ago, which I'll blog about soon. We should compare notes.

  2. Thanks! Yeah it's no fun, but luckily I still feel pretty good. Going to a Renaissance Festival tomorrow.. Woo!

    The meditation class I bet will be enjoyable. I've been studying Buddhism for a few years now, and find that the meditation training is a huge help since I tend to be a type-A stress freak if I don't watch myself! *laughs*